It's a conspiracy

"You'd think by now they'd have figured out the complicated #2 pencil technology."

Friendly Advice

Andy: Milk her Timmy.

From class

Becca: We need a super liquid, price inelastic good.
Other: Cigs in prison?

Becca: The welfare state: subsidizing stupidity.

Note: I don't remember why we need that type of good, but we did.

History comes alive

Kaite: 2011 is ages away
Rachel: Yeah, I'll be done with my PhD by then...
Jenn (to Rachel): That's not wood

Kaite: Ok, new rule. No one is coming to my party dressed as a fascist.

Camping

S: [Referring to her boyfriend] He doesn't want to sleep on the couch.
J: But guys like that. Its like camping.

Knife-fighting monkies

Edd: I don't think I could ever stab you.
Rachel: That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.

Rachel: feeling very sluggish today
maybe i have swine flu!...
Edd: Hmmm - that's how I felt yesterday!
I think that was more wine flu though.

Ways around the system

Discussing immigration constraints in economic history class, the professor is from China.

Classmate 1: Are you married, because we could hook you up.
Classmate 2: Well, if they overturn prop 8 you could just marry other economics professor.

Choices

Tim: I'm thirsty and all I have is beer and water.
Tim: Damn.

And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.

Jenn: We've already had this Twilight versus Harry Potter conversation
Couch Surfer 1: There is no conversation. That debate just doesn't exist.
Couch surfer 2: I haven't even read Harry Potter and I agree with you.

For Kaite

Rachel: If I were a lesbian I'd totally go for you!!

Claire: You have to love Satan, you lesbian person. *reactions of astonishment* What? I was joking. I love Satan too.

How to save the economy

Classmate 1: We should have a bake sale.
Classmate 2: With hash brownies.

Economics helps you understand everything

Otis: In general, if you can break the connection between looks good and tastes good, your utility function is going to increase.

Miss Communication

Rachel: I'm trying to ship my cat over from the states
German Couchsurfer: Surely it's cheaper to buy a new car?

Teaching Religiocity to the Heathens

My cousin: So God is a bearded lady?

And then the werewolves open their eyes

Claire: He talks about rape all the time?
Edd: Well yeah but in a comedy way so it's all right

Jenn: If I had a baby I would bite it.

Sex and Violence

Rachel: I was broken and entered by a real estate agent.

Jenn: You spanked me!
Rachel: Yeah, but that was after you beat me.

Spare Quotes

Quotes from the 2009 Annual Burzlaff Wii Bowling Tournament.

Rick: Did you just use Cartesian dualism in a joke?

Patrick: I only do it straight in video games, not in real life.

Paige: Jess has got amazing underarms.
Patrick: They're probably airbrushed.
Jess gives them the death look.

Patrick: Tim, you can't drive my stick. Pause
Patrick: Don't tell Becca I said that.

Paige: What's your favorite position?
Patrick: 7th. It's the longest.

Guitar Hero

Claire: He's really funny but he's always so serious looking, like he wears shirts.

Jenn: I was all wet and naked, so you know, you're nervous.

Mammoth Quotes

Becca: Tim, get me wood for the fire.
Rob: Just to be clear, did I hear what I think I heard?
Lauren: Yes. Becca needs wood.
Becca: I don't get it.

Later.

Tim: Becca has enough wood to last the rest of the night.

Becca: I need bigger wood.

Tim: I haven't been reading much at night. I've been busy.
Becca: Just tell your hand, "No."

Becca: And you didn't send your boy toy?
Lauren: No.
Becca: But Tim wasn't doing anything.

Tim: I'm hot.
Lauren: So take off your sweatshirt.
Karen: And your pants.

Robert: The nuts absorb the alcohol. That's why I'm so bad at it - cause I'm small.

Rob: That's how I know we're related.
Becca: What, you'll take off your pants too?
Rob: No, I'll take off his pants.

Lauren: Milk, it's gentle and effortless.
Becca: I don't need to know about your fetishes.

Tim: I want to show you how easy, soft, and milky it is to milk.

There are quotes from Christmas, but I think I left the paper at Paige and Patrick's apartment.

I'm beginning to doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion

Rachel: I could cover him in sparkly glitter.
Claire: Marshmellow fluff is quite sparkly.

Edward: Say what I am. Say it outloud!
Claire: Stalker!!

Edward *sparkling*: This is what I am.
Seb: Sweaty?

The Quotable Seb

It's not chivalry, it's beer. Some things are more important than gender politics.


I've just made 236 women gay.

Also, pool tables

Seb: It's nice to see a kitchen being used for cooking.

Jenn: As opposed to...

Amy and Rachel *looking at each other*: Sex?

Passports

Amy: The British ones are so stiff.

Christmas cookies!

Rachel: We should put the cookie dough in the fridge.

Claire: Oh right, it says "chill" [on the recipe] and I figured, we're in England...

Please mind the gap between the train and the platform

Rachel: Wow that's a wide gap

Rachel: *trips over the gap*

More political insight from my brother

Robby: Obama has to be the anti-Christ. People like him too much to not be. not sure if this is the exact quote, but you get the idea.

It's a science, damn it!

Becca: The social scientist in me really wants everything to completely collapse so I could watch and see what happens. But that would probably be bad.

Twilight quotes and then some

Jenn directing Claire: Get off the tube and follow the screaming.

Claire: I wouldn't say 'I want to have your babies,' I just want to have sex with you.

Girl in front of us: Are you Mormon?

Us: Oh god no. awkward pause Why, are you?

Rachel: We're nerdier than Amy

Claire: Oh yeah we're dirtier than Amy, what did she say like when we're talking about our sex lives...

Jenn: Where is he (Robert Pattinson)? Can you see him?

Rachel: I don't... Oh wait! No! I see his hair!

Jenn: Acceptance is the first step

Seb: No, having a drink is the first step.

Walking past a Friend's Meeting House on Euston Rd

Rachel: Maybe I should become a Quaker.

Jenn: Oh, I wouldn't like to be in control of so many lives.

Rachel: Whaaa...

Jenn: Plus the whole suicide thing would freak me out.

Rachel: WHAT???

Jenn: Remember we were talking about people jumping in front of trains?

Rachel: What... does that have to do with Quakers?

Jenn: Oh, I thought you said tube driver.

Rachel: It's only when I started to ship them in my head. pause I am my own fandom.

Rachel: throwing houses on the monopoly board What? I don't have a degree in urban design.

Seb: Nothing is completely evil. Even the Wehrmacht made good cars.

Kaite: I'm very gay but I'm attracted to guys like David Tennant. If he asks very nicely, I would have sex with him. pause I'm David Tennant-sexual.

Claire: If you google Claire you'll find chocolate wrappers.

Nick: Dairy. Dairy is good.

Amy [?]: But it's so broad.

Nick: And Christianity isn't?

Seb: Notch, notch, notch

Rachel: Was she counting her conquests on your knife?

Seb: It's not long enough.

Best out of context:

Anonymous: well.. starbucks would be good cause its cold outside
Anonymous: but im down for anything. i'd invite her here... but pretty much my room is the only place i would want her

Family Conversations

Robby (my brother): You're not a baby killer like my mom is, are you?

Puff paint. yes. really.

Rachel: You should suck on it

Claire: But I wanted to blow it

Rachel: i am having a super nerd day tomorrow
Becca: you're not a nerd
Rachel: did i tell you we are going to a recording of mugglecast
Becca: how fun! i take it back

If there was any doubt about our nerd status...

Claire: So it's like... I want to give up my life and my soul so I don't get older than Robert Pattinson?

Rachel: Actually, it's Edward Cullen, but yeah.

Claire: It makes more sense if it's Robert Pattinson.

Seb *explaining why he can't write sex scenes*: Also, my main characters are 15.

Rachel: You could have flash forward into the future sex...?

Claire: Like the epilogue in Harry Potter? But with sex?

Claire: This is so awesome! Thanks for putting the idea in my head

Rachel: What idea?

Claire: Nano. [pause] Also, Julia Quinn.

Kaite *on the phone*: Speaking of sex, I'm in the middle of writing of threesome.

Claire: That was like the third time I'd seen him and he was like CRAZY, like maybe he was Stefanie Meyers' dad...

Claire: You should say it's the guy who blesses people on the Victoria line, because I'm sure people know him.

Claire: Do you know wizard rock?

Kaite: *shakes head*

Claire [business-like] oh, okay, we need to do that.

Seb: Why is it quarter to eight already?

Kaite: Jesus!

Seb: Naw, I don't think he did it.

Seb: I can't remember from our discussion last year. Is it cheating if your character has the same dream twice?

Rachel: No! Come on. Haven't you read Order of The Phoenix?

Jenn: She's pregnant, so she had to at least have dabbled...

Rachel: Well, her husband was abusive....

Jenn: Okay, dabbled or raped, those are the options.

Quote round up (nanowrimo love scene edition)

Rachel: What did we ever do before the internet?

Seb: I'll ask Google.

Claire (to Nimbus): If you want hurt someone just write a novel. You can kill undergraduates. 

Seb (on the quick quotes quill): That would be awesome. "And then stuff happens." Fifteen minutes later you'd have Twilight.

Jenn: So you were planning social entrapment on JK Rowling?

Amy: ... Basically yes.

Claire: I forcered her awake by being awake

Jenn: She forced me awake by talking incessantly

Claire: That's what I call being awake

Jenn: She had sex last year.

Rachel: Well, I kind of lied.

Seb: Did you lie up or did you lie down?

Rachel: I lied down.... hey....

Claire *excitedly*: I learned how to conjugate the verb 'thrust'!

Claire: Now I wish I hadn't sent you the sex scene.

Rachel: *reading the aforementioned sex scene*: "Complete this scene?"

Claire: Well yeah it needs to be finished, you know

Everyone else: *bursts into laughter*

James: What kind of sex are you having that lasts 4,000 words? And where can I get it?

Claire: Someone said you were a bad influence.

Rachel: What?!

Jenn: No one said that. She doesn't understand English very well.

Rachel: I've got an epilogue and a sexilogue.

Jenn: Have you written your climax scene then?

Whiskey

Rachel: I drank this much Scotch gesturing on camera . And it wasn't even watered down with whiskey.

Webcam

Becca: Am I off the speed dial now?
Rachel: Yes. You're no longer going to be a bridemaid.
Becca: What else can I do to solidify that?
Jenn: We need to write that down!

Power Share

Rachel: I feel like we should be putting condoms on our power cords.

Claire: If you're implying that you're going to make little baby computers, I want one.

Amy: I can't have nutella. No, not for the same reasons. I just... quit.

Amy: Okay, just one.

Claire: Do you know the Dr from ER? I'm not sure he's Serbian but he's really cute!

Claire: Yeahhhh Sometimes discipline means no life.

And an old one:

Becca: I'm just saying that I view relationships--

Rachel: As being taken by aliens?

Becca: ...differently than you.

You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to kill that many people

We were discussing ways to kill people (in a game setting).
Jason: I know, you're sick.
Becca: No, just creative.

The results are in

Random American: Where are you from?

Seb: Brighton. The only state that can't vote.

American: Ah, the US of K.

Jenn: Who pours liquid in a cup?

Seb: What was I doing?

Rachel: Defriending all your friends who voted for prop 8?

Seb: I don't have any of those

Rachel: Neither do I. They're all family.

Seb:Easier to get rid of then.

Fire!

Tim: so a teammate of mine from san diego was a pinata for halloween
Tim: ... and caught himself on fire
Tim: i dont know the whole story, but there were candles
Tim: and him wrapped in paper
Tim: and fire

Dinner music

George (my uncle): Clint, why did you think it was a good idea to cue up F*$& the Police for dinner music?
Clint: I didn't play it!

Some more

Claire (as Rita Skeeter): So what magazines do you read?

Rachel (as Sarah Palin): Oh you know, all of 'em.

Rachel: Are you sleeping?

Jenn (lying on the floor in the middle of the hallway): No.

Rachel: Are you meditating?

Jenn: No.

Rachel: Are you studying the ceiling?

Jenn: No. I'm trying to decide what special powers the stone will have.

Claire: We could host a write in at our place
Rachel: potluck dinner
Claire: potluck? What smoking lucky pot?

Taboo and novel-writing

Jenn: It's a very stereotypical thing that [French people] wear on their heads.

Lefke: A baguette? 

Jenn: Where does the wine come from?

Claire: A graveyard?

Jenn: Rachel is this by virue of having no... guardians

Lefke: An orphan?

Seb: What's wrong with Harry Potter?

Rachel: [word: saddle shoes] After sneaker I was like 'fuck that shit' and I moved on

Lefke [word: surgery]: You might not live through it

Jenn: Death

Lefke: [word: toothfairy] It collects your bodily parts.

Jenn: [word: stubble] George Clooney has this on his lower region & under his mouth 

Claire: Gorgeousness.

Lefke: [two hours after playing Taboo] I don't even know what Taboo is.

Rachel: Well, they might have sex, just not on screen.

Seb: If it doesn't happen on screen it doesn't happen, no matter what Harry and Ginny shippers say.

Well they should be.

Becca: There should be a yearly tax for being a moron.

And this one needs a picture to go with it.



Natalie Miller: Points to the little candle holders We can use these as shot glasses! pause I'm the f*#%ing Martha Stewart of alcoholism!

Becca: She has a rather imaginative imagination

Rachel: You would have been the only one

Sue: Not dating Rob?

Tim: Well, Chris has, and Lauren has, so yeah.

Tim: I had a party once when they were coming home later that night.

Rachel: What made you think that was a good idea?

Tim: Well it wasn't so much a party as me and Katie getting drunk.

Tim: No, I'm not stupid. I know how to play beer pong with hard liquor, trust me. 

[deleted]

Tim: Why do you have to put that on there? That's private Tim information.

Becca: This is me being allowed to be kind of evil. I don't need to be drunk to do that.

Tim: I don't know, do you like, pet a baby or what? I'm allergic to babies.

Becca: I'm not ticklish
Rachel: I'm not tickling you, I'm poking you
Becca: I'm not pokalish

drinking game

Rachel: Wait, really?
Becca: Yes, I have to prepare for tomorrow
Rachel: So being hungover will help?
Becca: it can't hurt!

Save me google!

Rob: Effing useless internet!
Becca: not finding you a stripper?
Rob: Actually, I'm trying to find a Benjamin Franklin impersonator.
Becca: not even gonna go there - too easy

Say it ain't so, Joe

Seb: Think of it this way. It sounds cliché to you but he'd probably never heard it before.

Claire [French girl]: I want to get some woolen thighs like they have here. [She means tights.]

Rachel: The fundamentals of the American economy are strong.
Seb: Yeah, they're also drunk.

Claire: Guys, I'm making stuff to throw at the TV if you want to help yourself...

Seb: I've just had a scary thought. If we get drunk enough, will she [Palin] start to make sense?

Claire: It's so much easier to drink in English. I just feel Englishish.

Rachel: In what country is that the size of a shot?
Amy: Texas?

Lefke: Are you writing down quotes? Can I see?
Rachel: No, they're beer-soaked.

Claire: Who is she winking at? Is she having an affair with the camera man?

Amy: You know, the first time I was drunk I found it very helpful to throw animal crackers at people.

Semper ubi...

Rob: I've been running a lot, so I'm quite happy to stand there in my chones.

I've got nothing to hide.

Couchsurfers = nerds

Jenn: Did you want the wedding ring instead of the pearl earrings? Because I would think that the earrings are more wearable.

Amy: Can we watch Land Before Time clips on youtube?

Claire: He's a magical toad. Why does Wormtail get to live and Trevor the Toad has to die?
Rachel: Because Wormtail is an actual person and...
Claire: Wormtail's not a person, he's a... jerk.

It's time to ask some hard questions about our relationships with animals

Colleague: Spider genitals could be sexy to some...

Jenn: Maybe you taste bad to lions if you're a Jehovah's Witness

Return to London

Jenn: Hey maybe we'll get drunk at the Obama thing.

Jenn: Do you know what a funnel cake is?
Rachel: YES!
Jenn: Not you. I was asking the UK people.
UK people: *shake heads*

Jenn: A Renaissance faire is like America's version of England.
Seb: Yeah we call it a street.

Reason #573 why we are better than Bella Swan

Rebecca: she did put her foot down about one thing!
Rachel: what having sex before becoming a vampire?
Rebecca: yep
Rebecca: that would totally be the top thing on my lists of things to do before becoming a vampire
Rachel: ...
Rebecca: (i was being sarcastic)

Rachel: so when you come to visit again you'll be staying in our emo teen vampire brothel
Rebecca: well at least i'll get one to do off my list
although
i've been accused of being a vampire, so maybe it's too late
Rachel: why would that make it too late? have you been hanging out in emo teen brothels?
Rebecca: um, apparently there was a misunderstanding

A night with AFI

These quotes happened as Chris and I watched AFI's newest list in June, and Jessica watched on with amazement. Yes, they're old.

Chris: Westerns are like jazz.

Jessica: I need something to go with Jack.
Chris: How about ice?

Skype

Rachel: You said, 'Dot, dot, dot.'

Rachel: I can't do things that involve things.

Rachel: No, you know what I mean. I can't do athletic things that involve athleticy things.

Rachel: You have to smooth corners to be a diplomat. It's glossing over the whole 'we bombed your country 10 years ago.'

na Exitu

rachel: how old do you think he is?
jessie: married.

random group of drunk english: *singing* we love you serbia! we do!
seb & rachel: *run away laughing*
seb: I think I want to change my nationality
rachel: I just had a flashback to 1915...

flyer guy: do you want to study in London?
seb: I live in London
flyer girl: I could have told you he was English

and more along the same lines...

It's a new game!

Tim: All I heard is, 'Are you a contributer to the groping.' Yes, but...

Paige: If I were masturbating, pretty much the freakiest thing I can think of is a bunch of my girlfriends around me cheering me on to get off.

Carly: I don't know what that means. Oh yes I do. It's all in the name.

Paige: It's like back rubs.

Paige: We're going to look at porn together.

Tim: Yeah! Sex!

Jessica: I think taking a picture of yourself in a dress and charging people to see it is a little like pornography.

Becca: I mean, how often do two of your best friends get married? Not that often.... well twice, I guess.

Rob: Oh, that's easy. You just sleep with her, then make a copy of the key in the morning while she's still asleep.

Jessica: (in a text message) And you didn't even need to sleep with me to get our key.

There's one more, but I honestly think that it's a little too adult content to put here, and it's not just because I don't want to type it. Plus, the speaker doesn't want his/her name attached to the quote, and I don't think that's allowed.

It's now the perma-party

Tony: Do it with your brother's fiance.

Tony: Who wants to jump in the wiener?

Patrick: Where's Tony? Is he in the wiener pool?

Patrick: What, it's not that bad. It probably came out of my mouth and I just put it back in.

Liz: What was the result of the taste test?
Patrick: Something Dorito-y.

You Are What You Eat

Jessica (referring to someone's Chipotle meal): It looked and smelled amazing! Actually, it looked like poop and smelled like fart.

Interesting Aroma

Jessica: That's like kicking with the hand.

Chris: I think Jessica smelled some Muggles in the bathroom.

Chris: Your slate is wiped clean.
Jessica: I'm a slave to white plains?

I'm not going to say that watching Reefer Madness had anything to do with these quotes, but...

Eurovision: we are wolves of the sea

Presenter: Welcome to our Europe-long party

Terry Wogan (British commentator): "Gel-ena" (Jelena)

Jessie: Doesn't this remind you of the Sesame Street song?
Rachel: "all night long"? (Denmark)

Jenn: Maybe she's blind
Seb: That would explain the dress (Georgia)

Seb: That's the 'dear Vlad don't send the tanks in' vote. (Ukraine for Russia)

Rachel: The Irish love pirates (Ireland for Latvia)

Jenn: Russia has iceskates and political voting... so they win.

Russian entry: You are incredible... because of us.

Around Sac-Town

Song: Buck naked in the eye of the Lord.
Aunt: What's that mean to you?
Cousin: God's a perv.

Becca: I'm perfectly secure in my own importance.

Professor: Unfortunately, they didn't lay down the methodological smackdown that you want.

How do you exist?

"How can I be a bridge if you people don't even know your own countries?" -- Jenn, the anglo-american
"So what's x-factor?" --Seb

Don't rub it in

Rob: Nah, I'm just messing with you. I'm worried if you start watching they'll cancel the show.

Keepin it Alive

Rob: I'm genuinely worried my brother might do something stupid.
Becca: What's he up to?
Rob: Honestly I don't know the answer to that question, but I think alcohol might somehow be a catalyst. He shared a few words with me, and by "words" I mean it was like reading one of those e-mail forwards about words with jumbled letters yet you can still understand them.
Becca: I doubt he can get into too much trouble, no matter how much liquor is involved.
Rob: You underestimate the power of Tim. One can never truly estimate his capacity for ingenuity and stupidity.

Rob: It's the Lazynberg Uncertainty Principle. You won't know until you actually try to do something. You cannot be simultaneously lazy and non-lazy.
Becca: I can too. I'm the kitty in the box.
Rob: Then what is the litter a metaphor for?
Becca: Not that box.

Becca: Getting pissy is the prerogative of a girlfriend - I thought you would have learned this by now. long break in the conversation Obviously this information has rendered you typeless. I'm sorry to have to be the one to break it to you.

Becca: Do you think it would be wrong to have Newcastle with breakfast tomorrow?
Rob: Depends, if you pour it in your cereal, I think that's acceptable.

Rob: Number of ideas shot down by Becca: 458,346,789.364
Number of ideas not shot down by Becca: 4.
Becca: I missed 4?

Three in a row...

Becca:Sorry - two nights in a row is all I'm good for

---

Becca:I wouldn't want to keep you from yourself
Rob:It's just me, without a shirt on and using a measuring tape
Rob:What's the big deal?

Late night confessions

Cleaned up from an IM conversation.

Rob: This is bad. I'm like you and now I hate myself.
Becca: So you think I hate myself, or you hate me?
Rob: I hate me for being like you.
Becca: And therefore you hate anyone like me, me included.
Rob: Nah. You being you is fine. It's me being you that I hate.

FOIL

Rob:My brain hears the word foil and works through the following checklist: Literary term, algebra, and lastly, kitchen-ware.
Becca:yep
Becca:same with me
Becca:i have to think that's abnormal

Order of the Stick

Patrick: Don't attempt my stick!

DEWM Party

Finally found them.

Brian: I've never been romantically attracted to a guy, but I consider myself bi-approachable.

Brian: My body by itself is very smooth.

Lauren: Tim, we have to stick together at the wedding.
Tim: What wedding?

Chris: Tim want tequila. Give him apple juice.
Jessica: We don't have any.
Chris: I'll go make some.
Becca: As long as it burns on the way down.

Law & Order: Bakersfield

Jessica: Would you ever hire anyone to rape and kill me?
Chris: You know how I feel about outsourcing.

World Cup 2010

R: Can you drink all day?
J: Yes. basically you just watch football matches and drink all day.
R: I could go for that. How is it different from reading romance novels and drinking all day? [pause] No sex?
J:Well, there's a lot of guys, I think we can work that in.

Please don't go there

Why am I the only one posting anything here? Hop to it, friends.

Professor: If economics were American Idol, Cantillon would be Ruben Studdard, and Adam Smith would be the red-haired kid, Clay Aiken, because Cantillon said it first, just like Ruben won, but Smith is who everybody remembers, like Aiken.

The truth comes out

Jessica: Stupid ring! pause Not that I don't like it.

At least something came out of the Dark Ages

Taking after Rachel, I think I'll post funny quotes from my readings.

"Obsessive anxiety, it seems, was the gross national product of the Middle Ages."

Uncle Milty

Professor (describing a visit with another professor): And then his four year old daughter came in, and in the idea of "dance monkey dance" he asked her, 'What does Uncle Milty say?' The daughter stood stock still and replied, 'Inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon. G'night daddy!' and gave him a kiss.

I want a four year old to brainwash (just not my own),

ring in the new

Rachel: I hope it's good, I picked it out.
Jessica: Which one is it, Ravenclaw?
Rachel:... Ravenwood.

Tim: So if the parachute doesn't open, that's emotional, right?

Rachel: She got a boyfriend.
Tim: Him [Patrick]?

Becca: Caress it like a lover.

Becca: Tim's used to being single.

Becca: Did you shoot your... cooch?

Jess: People don't give penises clothes (12:30 am)

Jess: I think I shot baby Jesus.

Jess: I can't help that I'm naturally sexy.

Chris (?): And there's only one stop light between beer and my house.

Ubermench

Becca: What about Lois Lane?
Jessica: He's just screwing her.

Tim: When water comes out of the holes in your face.

While playing taboo:
Jess: A woman might do this to her husband...
Becca and Rachel in unison: Beat him!

The vessel with the pestle

Rachel: on how to get out of work Tell them you have something really contagious.... like anthrax.

Rachel: I need to go to Russia.
Becca: Russia?
Rachel: Yes, it's so big and waiting to be conquered.

Rachel: on sisters You wouldn't have minded if you had one like you.
Becca: Yeah, but I would if I had one..... pause like you.

Rachel: Yeah, well they say it's hereditary.
Becca: Pregnancy?

The Rules of the Game

Rachel: Are they allowed to hang onto each other like that?
Becca: He's not holding onto him, he's just...
Rachel: Feeling him up?
Becca: Yeah, that's it.

*Discussing breaking into cemeteries*
Rachel: It would be easy if it weren't for all the policemen around
Becca: Buffy never seems to have any problems
Rachel: Well, she's a fucking vampire slayer, that's her job.

A seven year old boy outside Tesco's: It's raining men! Hallelujah... It's raining men...
*Pause*
Becca and Rachel: *die laughing*

And this was BEFORE the snake bites...

Becca: I saw King Arthur!
Seb: Really? Where? Cause we've been looking for him for centuries!

Seb: I don't really consider myelf a Brit. I'm half-Irish, half-Polish.
Becca: Strangely enough, that makes you American.

Rachel: I don't care what happens after I die. Except I hope my sister doesn't read my journal...

London = Beijing

Becca: on seeing Trafalgar Square It's like Tianamen Square, only with white people.

Ellen: She was from like the Community College of East Wisconsin.

Trick-or-Treat

Partick (to skeleton kid): You've got to put your mask on.
Skeleton kid: Okay, okay... Prepare to be screamified!!
(struggles with skeleton mask)
Patrick: You want me to hold your candy?
(holds kid's candy)
Skeleton kid: Arrrr!!! Grrrrrr!!! Arrr!!! (screaming)
(Skeleton kid waves goodbye while backing away and still screaming)

Why not?

Rebecca: i'm not going to get drunk just so i can have a necklace

More Quotes from Taboo

Becca : Hey, if you can’t make fun of Jesus, who can you make fun of?

Carly : This is on the upper part of the thing that your nose is on.
Chris: Eyes. Brow. (Pause) Eyebrow!

Carly: We all live on a yellow…fuck me!

Carly: This is a dent on your visage... It’s adorable damnit! It was dimple, by the way...

Omniquotes

Tim: Give her the water with the poison in it....
*Jessica and Lauren glare at Tim*
Tim: Not the deadly poison!


Rob: It looks like dirt.
Tim: It looks like nature.


Chris: Booze has raped my memory.


Becca: Did you just call me simple?
Jess: Cynical!


Jess: If it's not a violent crime, I'm just not interested.


During fantasy football draft
Becca: Let's play Final Fantasy soccer!

Gaming... not the nerdy kind

While playing Taboo...
Becca: I did this at summer camp for a few summers...
Chris: Slept around?
Becca: It was my job!


Chris: Blank me Elmo!
Matt: Tickle was, like, the fourth or fifth thing I thought of...


While discussing Taboo...
Matt: Now, what exactly are the properties of the Magic Asshole?
Becca: It's impenetrable from attack!
Chris: Attack from where?
Matt: Behind!

More to come...

International quote round up

Australian girl: You're from a place called Bakersfield? could you be any more small town America?

Dutch guy: You can get a good bottle of wine from the new world for half what European wine costs. So I think colonialism was a good thing.

Polish girl: I'm Polish; I don't have blood, I have beer. That's why we're so pale.

Forgotten

Becca: Lord of the Rings is like Zinfandel. pause What? It is!

Quizzing the night away

Jayne: You guys could order a pizza.
Carly: excitedly We have a coupon!

Becca: As much as I would love to hear more about Jessica's exploits in the bathroom...

Natalie Martin: Why would I be a flotation device?
Becca: Because you're supportive and crap.
Carly: And buoyant!

Chris: to Becca You are such uniqueness.

On y va

Shaun (my cousin): "Nine!" (yelling my other cousin's position in the race. A car crashes.) "Eight!"

Leah (my cousin's 2 year old): What's that on your ring?
Me: A claddah.
Leah: It's upside down.
Me: That's because I don't have a boyfriend right now.
Shannon (my cousin): Do you think Rachel will find a boyfriend in London?
Leah: No.

Me: when are you going to visit me?
My uncle: I think I'll go over for the wedding.

Red, White, and Booze

Chris: What's my prize?
Robert: I'll give you a cookie. There's some inside.
Jessica: Did you say "cookie" or "quickie?"

Becca: referring to Chris So you just never listen to him.
Jessica: That's why out relationship has lasted so long.

Chris: It's a metric clock!

Jessica: I have germs. Cooties. I don't know.

Who else can we offend?

Jessica: Are you comparing our Lord and Saviour to Smokey the Bear?
Chris: Only in crack visions.

Maya Angelou: Element 56 on the Periodical Table

Rachel: Ether? Isn't that an element on the periodical table?
(Later)
Jessica: Is that where they keep the magazines?
Chris: I think my dentist's office has a periodical table.

(At Fishlips)
Band Member: We're going to do some real poetry here tonight.
Random Heckler: Read some Maya Angelou you motherfucker!

On the topic of women

Becca: It's because we're smarter.
Chris: No, we're just stupid.

Another day in L.A.

Chris: If anything is wrong when I'm around, it's Becca's fault.

Chris: *pointing to elderly dancing couple* Aww! That's going to be us when we're seventy!
Jess: Except we won't be Asian.

Waitress at Fred 62s: Did y'alls balls come and go?

"Join the Army, get typhus"

Rachel: *reading from thesis* Khaki fever...
Amanda: I had that in High School!

Parental Guidance Recommended

From The Grapes of Wrath

Chris: It's fun making fun of old people....
Becca: And old movies.
Chris: It's funny because they're dead now.

Chris: Are they taking bets to see who dies next?
Becca: It's like The Oregon Trail (the computer game).

From Schindler's List

Chris: Seeing how they turning everything into musicals these days, they should make Schindler's List: The Musical. Part Fiddler on the Roof, part.... I don't know, Singing in the Rain or something.
Becca: The Sound of Music.
Chris: Yeah!

Chris: Email! (In the name of Oskar's factory).
Becca: Al Gore and Oskar Schindler worked hand in hand.

Chris: I can imagine the casting call. "We need anorexic women...
Becca: Who don't mind being naked and getting pushed around. Where can we go?"
Chris: That's every girl in Hollywood.

Chris: Note to self: If you're going to save thousands of lives...
Becca: Make sure the paperwork is in order.

Chris: I told Jessica we were watching this, and she said we're going to hell.
(I'm not going to put my response to this).

Becca: Yeah, there's going to be a special circle just for us.

This is why I watch the Bachelor (for the champagne)

Natalie (after a few glasses of champagne): I feel a little dizzy. *burps loudly* Okay, all better.

Gay or European?

Chris: You know what I used as my final argument for why men are better than women?
Jessica: What?
Chris: Cary Grant.
Jessica: He was gay!
Chris: No he wasn't, he was just British!

*In my defense, I know Cary Grant was not gay, and I never thought he was (not that there is anything wrong with that). I was just trying to annoy Chris.*