Typical

Rob: I effed up.
Tim: Good work.
Tim: What'd you do?

Accumulated quotes

[While talking to a third party]
Me: I'm going to the BBQ with my friend Becca.
Tim: When are you finally going to stop calling her just a friend?

[While tasting hefeweizen's at Yardhouse]
Me: I taste a lot of nut.

[Wimbledon commentator this morning]
Commentator: He involved the ball boys and the ball girls in a little bit of a knockup.

Sad fact, this isn't the first time I've done this:

Rob: where the fuck did I leave the hotel key?
Tim: Did you leave it in the door?
Rob: no!
[Opens hotel door, key is still in the door]

Choices

Tim: I'm thirsty and all I have is beer and water.
Tim: Damn.

Mammoth Quotes

Becca: Tim, get me wood for the fire.
Rob: Just to be clear, did I hear what I think I heard?
Lauren: Yes. Becca needs wood.
Becca: I don't get it.

Later.

Tim: Becca has enough wood to last the rest of the night.

Becca: I need bigger wood.

Tim: I haven't been reading much at night. I've been busy.
Becca: Just tell your hand, "No."

Becca: And you didn't send your boy toy?
Lauren: No.
Becca: But Tim wasn't doing anything.

Tim: I'm hot.
Lauren: So take off your sweatshirt.
Karen: And your pants.

Robert: The nuts absorb the alcohol. That's why I'm so bad at it - cause I'm small.

Rob: That's how I know we're related.
Becca: What, you'll take off your pants too?
Rob: No, I'll take off his pants.

Lauren: Milk, it's gentle and effortless.
Becca: I don't need to know about your fetishes.

Tim: I want to show you how easy, soft, and milky it is to milk.

There are quotes from Christmas, but I think I left the paper at Paige and Patrick's apartment.

Fire!

Tim: so a teammate of mine from san diego was a pinata for halloween
Tim: ... and caught himself on fire
Tim: i dont know the whole story, but there were candles
Tim: and him wrapped in paper
Tim: and fire

Becca: She has a rather imaginative imagination

Rachel: You would have been the only one

Sue: Not dating Rob?

Tim: Well, Chris has, and Lauren has, so yeah.

Tim: I had a party once when they were coming home later that night.

Rachel: What made you think that was a good idea?

Tim: Well it wasn't so much a party as me and Katie getting drunk.

Tim: No, I'm not stupid. I know how to play beer pong with hard liquor, trust me. 

[deleted]

Tim: Why do you have to put that on there? That's private Tim information.

Becca: This is me being allowed to be kind of evil. I don't need to be drunk to do that.

Tim: I don't know, do you like, pet a baby or what? I'm allergic to babies.

It's a new game!

Tim: All I heard is, 'Are you a contributer to the groping.' Yes, but...

Paige: If I were masturbating, pretty much the freakiest thing I can think of is a bunch of my girlfriends around me cheering me on to get off.

Carly: I don't know what that means. Oh yes I do. It's all in the name.

Paige: It's like back rubs.

Paige: We're going to look at porn together.

Tim: Yeah! Sex!

Jessica: I think taking a picture of yourself in a dress and charging people to see it is a little like pornography.

Becca: I mean, how often do two of your best friends get married? Not that often.... well twice, I guess.

Rob: Oh, that's easy. You just sleep with her, then make a copy of the key in the morning while she's still asleep.

Jessica: (in a text message) And you didn't even need to sleep with me to get our key.

There's one more, but I honestly think that it's a little too adult content to put here, and it's not just because I don't want to type it. Plus, the speaker doesn't want his/her name attached to the quote, and I don't think that's allowed.

ring in the new

Rachel: I hope it's good, I picked it out.
Jessica: Which one is it, Ravenclaw?
Rachel:... Ravenwood.

Tim: So if the parachute doesn't open, that's emotional, right?

Rachel: She got a boyfriend.
Tim: Him [Patrick]?

Becca: Caress it like a lover.

Becca: Tim's used to being single.

Becca: Did you shoot your... cooch?

Jess: People don't give penises clothes (12:30 am)

Jess: I think I shot baby Jesus.

Jess: I can't help that I'm naturally sexy.

Chris (?): And there's only one stop light between beer and my house.

Why would you want to what, Tim?

Sorry to put these up so late. They were buried at the bottom of my suitcase. :)

Becca: My life is stupid, my card is American Express.

Jessica: (to Chris) Girlfriend! You have to pick my card!
Robert: Jessica, (points to himself) boyfriend!

Tim (?): Yeah, Chris has a sexy tractor.

Rachel: Cornflakes! They were invented to prevent masturbation.
Tim: (horrified) Why would you want to...?