rule to being British #37: moving must only be described by the word "nightmare"

James (upon the unearthing of our landlord's hideous stuff): It really wasn't awesome manor until you moved in.

Rachel (to Jenn): Do you like it better on bottom?
Rachel (to Jenn): I dunno, can you screw better than me?

Moving guy: That cat is too big.

Some people don't know when to quit.

Things that are soft:
Jessica: Tooshy! No wait, teeth. Teeth? What the hell was I thinking?

Patrick: There's always titties and tooshies in SciFi movies.

Things that in the White House:
Christina: Tramps! later What? I'm just saying, she keeps fit and it's not for him. I mean, he's busy and a woman has needs.

Chris: This is what I remember about my wedding: tequila.

Things found in a dorm room:
Chris: Thermal dynamics book.
Everybody: Nerd!
Paul: How did you ever get laid?
Chris: I got married.

Things found in a scifi movie:
Patrick: Rauncy stuff.
Jessica: What kind of science fiction movies are you watching? pause And where can I find them?

Becca: I think I just poured myself too much Scotch.
Jessica: No such thing.

Hot places:
Christina: My house.
Jessica: But there's no "R" in that.

Paul: I'd like to point out the difference in Chris and Jessica's choices for "things found in a dorm room."
Jessica: Boinkings, titties, rastafarians.
Chris: Book report, thermal dynamics book, reading material.

Are any of us surprised?

Patrick: I'm pretty good at picking up gays.

After seeing the new moon trailer

R: I have paper cuts. Can I get worker's comp for that?
J: No, but watch out for vampires. Coming at you from across the room. In slow motion.

Typical

Rob: I effed up.
Tim: Good work.
Tim: What'd you do?

Adventures in WineLand

While tasting a '97 Cabernet Franc
Rob: It looks like a port. It smells like a port.
Becca: But it doesn't quack like a port.

After I purchased my fifth bottle of wine
Rob:You don't need to take my keys away from me. You need to take my wallet!

While making our way to Tre Anelli my GPS was way off on our location
Becca: Apparently your GPS has had more wine than we have.

As I typed the previous quote into my phone while driving (when nobody was within a mile of me!)
Becca: I'm not sure how I feel about you typing and driving.
Rob: I'm fine ... GPA means GPS.

Million Monkies

“He’s wearing a suit, he’s voldemort.” -- Claire about John,  her boyfriend

“Be gentle, I have no feet, no hands and syphilis.”  – John

“You’re just obsessed with small things!” – Rachel to Claire

“Excuse me, I’m right here!” -- John

Accumulated quotes

[While talking to a third party]
Me: I'm going to the BBQ with my friend Becca.
Tim: When are you finally going to stop calling her just a friend?

[While tasting hefeweizen's at Yardhouse]
Me: I taste a lot of nut.

[Wimbledon commentator this morning]
Commentator: He involved the ball boys and the ball girls in a little bit of a knockup.

Bowling

After I missed all the bowling pins on a throw.
Person I was bowling with: You're supposed to knock down all the pins.
Becca: Oh, is that what I'm trying to do?
I throw the ball and get a spare.

Poker Night

Paige: So why do dogs have to be 6 months old before they're neutered?
Brandon: So they remember the pain.
Patrick: So they're fully developed.
Chris: So they don't grow back.

Patrick: sneeze
Group: Jeez, Patrick.
Jessica: That's like 10% of an orgasm so we should be congratulating him.

Sad fact, this isn't the first time I've done this:

Rob: where the fuck did I leave the hotel key?
Tim: Did you leave it in the door?
Rob: no!
[Opens hotel door, key is still in the door]

Short answer: yes

Edd's dad (to Edd): Is she always this annoying?

Racism

Aubri: Don't worry, we accept you for who you are. Unless you're black.

Rob: I just burped up some cupcake. Yum.

Good Advice

Classmate: You could skip the final and kill his family and still get an A-.
Becca: But I don't want an A-.
Classmate: Then don't kill his family.

Kickball

Jake: Adult kickball is the dumbest thing ever, like an organized Candyland league.

Eurovision

John: This is how Rome conquered the the world
Jenn: Pelvic thrusts?

John: She's sparkly, she's a vampire...
Jenn: That's all it takes now?
John: Edward Cullen after the operation

Claire: They gave 10 to the UK and three to France?
Jenn: To be fair the French song was crap too
Claire: yes but it was crap in French!

Claire, exploding into French: [translation: The French sell weapons to Israel! We don't need to give them Euro vision points too.]

Jenn: It does feel more right with the world when we're losing

Jenn: Victory for Norway?
John: Not too often in world events you can wave that banner

UK contestant: My time, it's my time
BBC News: Well, sadly, it wasn't.

Stellar

Becca: I suppose that would depend on anatomy.
Brandon: If we can trade we can have sex.

It's a conspiracy

"You'd think by now they'd have figured out the complicated #2 pencil technology."

Friendly Advice

Andy: Milk her Timmy.

From class

Becca: We need a super liquid, price inelastic good.
Other: Cigs in prison?

Becca: The welfare state: subsidizing stupidity.

Note: I don't remember why we need that type of good, but we did.