Ubermench

Becca: What about Lois Lane?
Jessica: He's just screwing her.

Tim: When water comes out of the holes in your face.

While playing taboo:
Jess: A woman might do this to her husband...
Becca and Rachel in unison: Beat him!

The vessel with the pestle

Rachel: on how to get out of work Tell them you have something really contagious.... like anthrax.

Rachel: I need to go to Russia.
Becca: Russia?
Rachel: Yes, it's so big and waiting to be conquered.

Rachel: on sisters You wouldn't have minded if you had one like you.
Becca: Yeah, but I would if I had one..... pause like you.

Rachel: Yeah, well they say it's hereditary.
Becca: Pregnancy?

The Rules of the Game

Rachel: Are they allowed to hang onto each other like that?
Becca: He's not holding onto him, he's just...
Rachel: Feeling him up?
Becca: Yeah, that's it.

*Discussing breaking into cemeteries*
Rachel: It would be easy if it weren't for all the policemen around
Becca: Buffy never seems to have any problems
Rachel: Well, she's a fucking vampire slayer, that's her job.

A seven year old boy outside Tesco's: It's raining men! Hallelujah... It's raining men...
*Pause*
Becca and Rachel: *die laughing*

And this was BEFORE the snake bites...

Becca: I saw King Arthur!
Seb: Really? Where? Cause we've been looking for him for centuries!

Seb: I don't really consider myelf a Brit. I'm half-Irish, half-Polish.
Becca: Strangely enough, that makes you American.

Rachel: I don't care what happens after I die. Except I hope my sister doesn't read my journal...

London = Beijing

Becca: on seeing Trafalgar Square It's like Tianamen Square, only with white people.

Ellen: She was from like the Community College of East Wisconsin.

Trick-or-Treat

Partick (to skeleton kid): You've got to put your mask on.
Skeleton kid: Okay, okay... Prepare to be screamified!!
(struggles with skeleton mask)
Patrick: You want me to hold your candy?
(holds kid's candy)
Skeleton kid: Arrrr!!! Grrrrrr!!! Arrr!!! (screaming)
(Skeleton kid waves goodbye while backing away and still screaming)

Why not?

Rebecca: i'm not going to get drunk just so i can have a necklace

More Quotes from Taboo

Becca : Hey, if you can’t make fun of Jesus, who can you make fun of?

Carly : This is on the upper part of the thing that your nose is on.
Chris: Eyes. Brow. (Pause) Eyebrow!

Carly: We all live on a yellow…fuck me!

Carly: This is a dent on your visage... It’s adorable damnit! It was dimple, by the way...

Omniquotes

Tim: Give her the water with the poison in it....
*Jessica and Lauren glare at Tim*
Tim: Not the deadly poison!


Rob: It looks like dirt.
Tim: It looks like nature.


Chris: Booze has raped my memory.


Becca: Did you just call me simple?
Jess: Cynical!


Jess: If it's not a violent crime, I'm just not interested.


During fantasy football draft
Becca: Let's play Final Fantasy soccer!

Gaming... not the nerdy kind

While playing Taboo...
Becca: I did this at summer camp for a few summers...
Chris: Slept around?
Becca: It was my job!


Chris: Blank me Elmo!
Matt: Tickle was, like, the fourth or fifth thing I thought of...


While discussing Taboo...
Matt: Now, what exactly are the properties of the Magic Asshole?
Becca: It's impenetrable from attack!
Chris: Attack from where?
Matt: Behind!

More to come...

International quote round up

Australian girl: You're from a place called Bakersfield? could you be any more small town America?

Dutch guy: You can get a good bottle of wine from the new world for half what European wine costs. So I think colonialism was a good thing.

Polish girl: I'm Polish; I don't have blood, I have beer. That's why we're so pale.

Forgotten

Becca: Lord of the Rings is like Zinfandel. pause What? It is!

Quizzing the night away

Jayne: You guys could order a pizza.
Carly: excitedly We have a coupon!

Becca: As much as I would love to hear more about Jessica's exploits in the bathroom...

Natalie Martin: Why would I be a flotation device?
Becca: Because you're supportive and crap.
Carly: And buoyant!

Chris: to Becca You are such uniqueness.

On y va

Shaun (my cousin): "Nine!" (yelling my other cousin's position in the race. A car crashes.) "Eight!"

Leah (my cousin's 2 year old): What's that on your ring?
Me: A claddah.
Leah: It's upside down.
Me: That's because I don't have a boyfriend right now.
Shannon (my cousin): Do you think Rachel will find a boyfriend in London?
Leah: No.

Me: when are you going to visit me?
My uncle: I think I'll go over for the wedding.

Red, White, and Booze

Chris: What's my prize?
Robert: I'll give you a cookie. There's some inside.
Jessica: Did you say "cookie" or "quickie?"

Becca: referring to Chris So you just never listen to him.
Jessica: That's why out relationship has lasted so long.

Chris: It's a metric clock!

Jessica: I have germs. Cooties. I don't know.

Who else can we offend?

Jessica: Are you comparing our Lord and Saviour to Smokey the Bear?
Chris: Only in crack visions.

Maya Angelou: Element 56 on the Periodical Table

Rachel: Ether? Isn't that an element on the periodical table?
(Later)
Jessica: Is that where they keep the magazines?
Chris: I think my dentist's office has a periodical table.

(At Fishlips)
Band Member: We're going to do some real poetry here tonight.
Random Heckler: Read some Maya Angelou you motherfucker!

On the topic of women

Becca: It's because we're smarter.
Chris: No, we're just stupid.

Another day in L.A.

Chris: If anything is wrong when I'm around, it's Becca's fault.

Chris: *pointing to elderly dancing couple* Aww! That's going to be us when we're seventy!
Jess: Except we won't be Asian.

Waitress at Fred 62s: Did y'alls balls come and go?

"Join the Army, get typhus"

Rachel: *reading from thesis* Khaki fever...
Amanda: I had that in High School!

Parental Guidance Recommended

From The Grapes of Wrath

Chris: It's fun making fun of old people....
Becca: And old movies.
Chris: It's funny because they're dead now.

Chris: Are they taking bets to see who dies next?
Becca: It's like The Oregon Trail (the computer game).

From Schindler's List

Chris: Seeing how they turning everything into musicals these days, they should make Schindler's List: The Musical. Part Fiddler on the Roof, part.... I don't know, Singing in the Rain or something.
Becca: The Sound of Music.
Chris: Yeah!

Chris: Email! (In the name of Oskar's factory).
Becca: Al Gore and Oskar Schindler worked hand in hand.

Chris: I can imagine the casting call. "We need anorexic women...
Becca: Who don't mind being naked and getting pushed around. Where can we go?"
Chris: That's every girl in Hollywood.

Chris: Note to self: If you're going to save thousands of lives...
Becca: Make sure the paperwork is in order.

Chris: I told Jessica we were watching this, and she said we're going to hell.
(I'm not going to put my response to this).

Becca: Yeah, there's going to be a special circle just for us.

This is why I watch the Bachelor (for the champagne)

Natalie (after a few glasses of champagne): I feel a little dizzy. *burps loudly* Okay, all better.

Gay or European?

Chris: You know what I used as my final argument for why men are better than women?
Jessica: What?
Chris: Cary Grant.
Jessica: He was gay!
Chris: No he wasn't, he was just British!

*In my defense, I know Cary Grant was not gay, and I never thought he was (not that there is anything wrong with that). I was just trying to annoy Chris.*

Most unusual bar talk winner

By the end of the night, they were lovin' us, those Hungarian Nazis were....

That rakija is pretty bad stuff. I almost ran over a homeless guy... in a tank!

Video Gaming

A friend: So being a woman in the gaming world sucks. Unless you're a skank.

Wednesday One-Liners

I am reposting this from "Overheard in New York" because it is frightening. And hilarious.

Man on cell: Yeah, but then once you graduate from college it's called alcoholism.

--West Village

Ah, how true it is.

Under the influence

Becca: Half of my family doesn't get me. That's the pot-smoking half.
Chris: Really? I thought the pot-smoking half would get you...

Why would you want to what, Tim?

Sorry to put these up so late. They were buried at the bottom of my suitcase. :)

Becca: My life is stupid, my card is American Express.

Jessica: (to Chris) Girlfriend! You have to pick my card!
Robert: Jessica, (points to himself) boyfriend!

Tim (?): Yeah, Chris has a sexy tractor.

Rachel: Cornflakes! They were invented to prevent masturbation.
Tim: (horrified) Why would you want to...?

The Asian Persuasion

Rachel: Who does good on standardized testing? If you do, you must be Asian! ....Or half Asian.
-later-

Rachel: Thank God I'm not stupid!

(While watching the Food Network)
Jessica: I've never seen so many Asian men cry.

A little something from New York

Galen: By the way--I've had a beer and a half and I feel drink.

There were more quotes, but I was never very good at remembering them.

Scategories

Chris: C'mon ride the train.
Jessica and Becca (while doing the train motion): Choo Choo.

Chris: You know, like when you call CalTranz and they have those sayings that rhyme? "Stay alive, don't imbibe." Or I guess it could be "Stay alive don't drink and drive."

Becca: Nobody picked Bronco!
Chris: Except OJ Simpson.

Jessica: Aw, you tole her thunder.

Tim: Wow, I fail at this game. I did F for the first one, then C for the rest.

Jessica: Farm equipment.
Chris: Field goals.
Becca: Fire escape.
Tim: Chimney vent.

Major holidays and quotes are like PB and J

Jessica: You have too many walls. So it's easy to make fun of you. You take down the wall, you have -
Rachel: Adventures? Like Berlin.
Jessica: No, not adventures. Less awkwardness.

Jessica: I think we'll need more alcohol.
Becca: There's not enough alcohol in the world.
Chris: For what?
Rachel: For Becca to take her clothes off.

Jessica: (to Chris) You know you're still wearing the tiara?
Chris: Yes, but Carly's still wearing the wig.
Jessica: So what!

Carly: I dub thee.... sir Becca.

Jessica: It's amazing how much darker the sunglasses make everything.

Rachel: Why are you so attached to the sword? I feel like it's a symbol of something.
Becca: Because it's pointy.

Becca: I'm thinking.
Rachel: You always think!

Matt: How do you have three cards in your hand?
Carly: And I still lost! What the hell!

Becca: Wasn't there some disease that turned you tongue black?
Rachel: The Plague?

Jessica: Wait did anybody die? Okay, we can laugh about it. We're not going to hell... at least not for that.

Some of them I couldn't read, or weren't funny, so if you really want them up, you'll have to do it yourself.

Congrats Natalie!

Carly: It's like having a disco ball on your mouth!

Rachel: We should get champagne!
Chris: We could get single malt scotch. It's like the champagne of scotch.

That annoying song Doncha Wish Your Girlfriend... comes on the sound system
Rachel/Natalie: Hey Becca, it's that song you hate!
Becca: No it's not! [chorus starts] Oh crap.

Rachel: I'm moving to the city that has the most per capita pubs... per capita.

Was it good for you, Becca?

Jess: We're going to take Becca's virginity tonight!
Chris looks horrified
Jess: And by that I mean beer can virginity, of course.
Chris: There are so many things wrong with what you just said...

Seriously?

Rachel: Asher? As in Prancer and Vixen.... You know, "Asher and Prancer and Dancer..."


Robert: Even I look like a hooker wearing a skirt and boots.

When Burzlaffs go WILD!

These quotes are from last Saturday night when Chris and I hung out with his two cousins and their respective significant others. Three Burzlaffs (well, one Burzlaff and two others with Burzlaff blood) in one place equals a LOT of quotes, as you would imagine.

Greg: I totally rock the scrawn!

Chris: Oooh! I want an orange-muffed choir!

Mark: I want a shag-covered toilet seat. Oh wait...

Jen (Greg's wife): Honey, want to try my sweet pine nuts?
Greg: Wow, your nuts are sweet!

Paulette: Here Jessica, finish my drink.
Jessica: Can I have your cherry?
Paulette: Sure!
*five minutes later*
Paulette (to Mark): Look! I finished my drink. Hey! Where's my cherry?

Good times.

What constitutes a first kiss?

Chris: So you were 13 and your bowels got stirred?

Wise Insights

Chris: "That's known as skipping first base and going straight to the pitcher's mound."

Chris: "Which school is this?"
Rachel: "Birkbeck"
Chris: "Brokeback? Well, at least you won't have a problem with quitting."

Rusty's pizza parlour

Becca: Whenever I hear "Magna Carta" I think "tabula rasa"... maybe because Locke was British and he was about the same time... or a lot later.

Rachel: We could be sisters.
B: No we couldn't.
R: Why not?
B: Because we didn't grow up together.
R: But that's only half of it.
B: Whats the other half?
R: Blood.

R: I don't want [you to wear] something other than jeans I want something other than a soccer sweatshirt.
B: It's not a... It's a snowboarding sweatshirt.

B: You could teach him history.
R: Of what?
B: War. He's in a war.
R: More like a current event.
B; He's in a current event?

Pretty in Pink

I will admit that I don't remember the exact quote, but I'm going to try!

Becca: He's like a year... year-old.

Le weekend

Rachel: What is that (spanish name of street)?
Becca: I'm sure it's a tree but I'm not sure.

Rob: Becca has a no touching policy.
Becca: Yes, it's very strict.
Rob: She can only be touched in certain places.

There are probably more I forgot and at least one I am not allowed to put up.

Misc. Holiday Quotes

Here are some quotes left over from the holidays....

Chris: The heat lost its mojo.

Becca: I've now had a red headed slut!

Chris: I'm not drunk, I'm inebriated.
Tim: I'm drunk.

Tim: Jessica, are you still living vicariously through me?
Jessica: No.
Tim: (while touching his eyebrow) Because right here is numb.

Galen: Ooo! I've drank from this port-a-potty before.

Rachel: (reading) In which language is "once" spelled "w...." wait....

Galen: Oh. I thought you were talking about euphamisms for ding-dings.

Depression

Here's a quote I had written down some time ago while browsing through an informercial. I just stumbled across the paper it was on and thought this would be worth sharing.

Salesman: "I was watching 'Seinfeld' and there must be a lot of depressed people watching that show because every other commercial was about depression."

Host: "Well, it is a show about nothing."

Starting 2007 off right....

Jessica: Ew! Is that champagne?
Jan (Jessica's mom): I think it's urine.