Law & Order: Bakersfield

Jessica: Would you ever hire anyone to rape and kill me?
Chris: You know how I feel about outsourcing.

World Cup 2010

R: Can you drink all day?
J: Yes. basically you just watch football matches and drink all day.
R: I could go for that. How is it different from reading romance novels and drinking all day? [pause] No sex?
J:Well, there's a lot of guys, I think we can work that in.

Please don't go there

Why am I the only one posting anything here? Hop to it, friends.

Professor: If economics were American Idol, Cantillon would be Ruben Studdard, and Adam Smith would be the red-haired kid, Clay Aiken, because Cantillon said it first, just like Ruben won, but Smith is who everybody remembers, like Aiken.

The truth comes out

Jessica: Stupid ring! pause Not that I don't like it.

At least something came out of the Dark Ages

Taking after Rachel, I think I'll post funny quotes from my readings.

"Obsessive anxiety, it seems, was the gross national product of the Middle Ages."

Uncle Milty

Professor (describing a visit with another professor): And then his four year old daughter came in, and in the idea of "dance monkey dance" he asked her, 'What does Uncle Milty say?' The daughter stood stock still and replied, 'Inflation is always and everywhere a monetary phenomenon. G'night daddy!' and gave him a kiss.

I want a four year old to brainwash (just not my own),

ring in the new

Rachel: I hope it's good, I picked it out.
Jessica: Which one is it, Ravenclaw?
Rachel:... Ravenwood.

Tim: So if the parachute doesn't open, that's emotional, right?

Rachel: She got a boyfriend.
Tim: Him [Patrick]?

Becca: Caress it like a lover.

Becca: Tim's used to being single.

Becca: Did you shoot your... cooch?

Jess: People don't give penises clothes (12:30 am)

Jess: I think I shot baby Jesus.

Jess: I can't help that I'm naturally sexy.

Chris (?): And there's only one stop light between beer and my house.

Ubermench

Becca: What about Lois Lane?
Jessica: He's just screwing her.

Tim: When water comes out of the holes in your face.

While playing taboo:
Jess: A woman might do this to her husband...
Becca and Rachel in unison: Beat him!

The vessel with the pestle

Rachel: on how to get out of work Tell them you have something really contagious.... like anthrax.

Rachel: I need to go to Russia.
Becca: Russia?
Rachel: Yes, it's so big and waiting to be conquered.

Rachel: on sisters You wouldn't have minded if you had one like you.
Becca: Yeah, but I would if I had one..... pause like you.

Rachel: Yeah, well they say it's hereditary.
Becca: Pregnancy?

The Rules of the Game

Rachel: Are they allowed to hang onto each other like that?
Becca: He's not holding onto him, he's just...
Rachel: Feeling him up?
Becca: Yeah, that's it.

*Discussing breaking into cemeteries*
Rachel: It would be easy if it weren't for all the policemen around
Becca: Buffy never seems to have any problems
Rachel: Well, she's a fucking vampire slayer, that's her job.

A seven year old boy outside Tesco's: It's raining men! Hallelujah... It's raining men...
*Pause*
Becca and Rachel: *die laughing*

And this was BEFORE the snake bites...

Becca: I saw King Arthur!
Seb: Really? Where? Cause we've been looking for him for centuries!

Seb: I don't really consider myelf a Brit. I'm half-Irish, half-Polish.
Becca: Strangely enough, that makes you American.

Rachel: I don't care what happens after I die. Except I hope my sister doesn't read my journal...

London = Beijing

Becca: on seeing Trafalgar Square It's like Tianamen Square, only with white people.

Ellen: She was from like the Community College of East Wisconsin.

Trick-or-Treat

Partick (to skeleton kid): You've got to put your mask on.
Skeleton kid: Okay, okay... Prepare to be screamified!!
(struggles with skeleton mask)
Patrick: You want me to hold your candy?
(holds kid's candy)
Skeleton kid: Arrrr!!! Grrrrrr!!! Arrr!!! (screaming)
(Skeleton kid waves goodbye while backing away and still screaming)

Why not?

Rebecca: i'm not going to get drunk just so i can have a necklace

More Quotes from Taboo

Becca : Hey, if you can’t make fun of Jesus, who can you make fun of?

Carly : This is on the upper part of the thing that your nose is on.
Chris: Eyes. Brow. (Pause) Eyebrow!

Carly: We all live on a yellow…fuck me!

Carly: This is a dent on your visage... It’s adorable damnit! It was dimple, by the way...

Omniquotes

Tim: Give her the water with the poison in it....
*Jessica and Lauren glare at Tim*
Tim: Not the deadly poison!


Rob: It looks like dirt.
Tim: It looks like nature.


Chris: Booze has raped my memory.


Becca: Did you just call me simple?
Jess: Cynical!


Jess: If it's not a violent crime, I'm just not interested.


During fantasy football draft
Becca: Let's play Final Fantasy soccer!

Gaming... not the nerdy kind

While playing Taboo...
Becca: I did this at summer camp for a few summers...
Chris: Slept around?
Becca: It was my job!


Chris: Blank me Elmo!
Matt: Tickle was, like, the fourth or fifth thing I thought of...


While discussing Taboo...
Matt: Now, what exactly are the properties of the Magic Asshole?
Becca: It's impenetrable from attack!
Chris: Attack from where?
Matt: Behind!

More to come...

International quote round up

Australian girl: You're from a place called Bakersfield? could you be any more small town America?

Dutch guy: You can get a good bottle of wine from the new world for half what European wine costs. So I think colonialism was a good thing.

Polish girl: I'm Polish; I don't have blood, I have beer. That's why we're so pale.

Forgotten

Becca: Lord of the Rings is like Zinfandel. pause What? It is!

Quizzing the night away

Jayne: You guys could order a pizza.
Carly: excitedly We have a coupon!

Becca: As much as I would love to hear more about Jessica's exploits in the bathroom...

Natalie Martin: Why would I be a flotation device?
Becca: Because you're supportive and crap.
Carly: And buoyant!

Chris: to Becca You are such uniqueness.