Million Monkies

“He’s wearing a suit, he’s voldemort.” -- Claire about John,  her boyfriend

“Be gentle, I have no feet, no hands and syphilis.”  – John

“You’re just obsessed with small things!” – Rachel to Claire

“Excuse me, I’m right here!” -- John

Accumulated quotes

[While talking to a third party]
Me: I'm going to the BBQ with my friend Becca.
Tim: When are you finally going to stop calling her just a friend?

[While tasting hefeweizen's at Yardhouse]
Me: I taste a lot of nut.

[Wimbledon commentator this morning]
Commentator: He involved the ball boys and the ball girls in a little bit of a knockup.

Bowling

After I missed all the bowling pins on a throw.
Person I was bowling with: You're supposed to knock down all the pins.
Becca: Oh, is that what I'm trying to do?
I throw the ball and get a spare.

Poker Night

Paige: So why do dogs have to be 6 months old before they're neutered?
Brandon: So they remember the pain.
Patrick: So they're fully developed.
Chris: So they don't grow back.

Patrick: sneeze
Group: Jeez, Patrick.
Jessica: That's like 10% of an orgasm so we should be congratulating him.

Sad fact, this isn't the first time I've done this:

Rob: where the fuck did I leave the hotel key?
Tim: Did you leave it in the door?
Rob: no!
[Opens hotel door, key is still in the door]

Short answer: yes

Edd's dad (to Edd): Is she always this annoying?